I guess I've hit one of those days when I really feel like a scalawag!

I dunno..i just wish I can really sit here and blog the whole day.But knowing myself,I wouldnt have that enough words in my dictionary that can last me a good long blog.

It is like..I dunno if you ever have got similar experiences?But it is like you are sitting there wasting my life,yet dunno and dun feel like doing anything as well.

Right now I should feel happy having not to go back to that sickening hotel and do those sickening work.(and face those sickening few)

But Jason is right..."fucking unemployed!"
I mean he didn't mean to scold me using that term,he is just joking.
Although I was a lil taken back when he said that.
Maybe I heard wrongly.But true it is that I am a fucking unemployed person now.
Feel nauseous upon the thought!

This is not the way i want it to be.
Look I am SUPPOSED to feel carefree and really happy.I am supposed to feel good about myself now!I am supposed to be able to enjoy life now!
But somehow something is just aint right.I dunno.
I wanted to scream so much.
I wanna break everything that is fragile next to me now.
I wanted to just zap off my hair and see it falls to the floor.
I wanted to destroy so I can feel my energy flowing back to me.

But there is no energy at all!!!As if someone has switch off that switch long long ago.
And that the energy has stop flowing for a long time and till now..im completely lifeless!

SIGH!i cant just sigh enough!
I think I will just get a tuition assignment.Sign up for some idiot commision sucking agency and get a small source of income at least!
Feel absolute useless and it is a very sickening and ...what is the same as sickening?Appalling,revolting,repulsive,nauseating,stomach-turning,disgusting..blah blah blah...
That is all I can sum up with tat lumpy thing in my head right now.
I dun even call it a brain!With this gg on,it is as good as a coconut.nothing but water inside.


But when I'm with Jason,I feel so dumb too!
I cant differeniate already whether I am acting dumb or I am just being plain dumb or I played it too long that I am really dumb when I am with him.

Although sometimes he likes it when I am just like that,but how self depreciating it is sometimes.And who knows one day he may just get sick of such a dumb me and then falls for someone who seem so much brighter as compared to the dumb old Mch?
I wanted to sit back and cry,stab anyone who comes close me.
I feel so psychotic now!


......
I try to be a lil more rational.
I try to analyse what is wrong.
I try to pull myself up and really smile.
But the more I think,the more watery is my brain.
That I can sing " C-o-C-o-N-u-T"(you know those kids songs?)


I try to be a lil more versatile.
I try to learn to do more with my hands or really just make my hands learn something so that they can become someone of their own..
But then..I cringed at what I made yesterday.
And that stupid boy really just finish the whole cup.I feel like throwing out.
Why didn't he just tell me it is horrible.

But I just know I wouldnt be happy either way.

Why am I so hard to please?So what do I want.

The thing is when I start to feel lousy at myself,nothing helps..I wanted to just hug jason and dont let go.But I wanted to let go and slump back to my dark corner again.

I am listening to George Micheal's "Careless Whisper".It is one of those classic that these stars of the other age produces and yet live till now.(not that George never sings now.But his era is over.)
I still think it is a waste that he is homosexual.Or is he a bi?

So much so for my nonsensical rantings.
This whole blog just doesnt make sense!
Doesnt make sense,doesnt make sense,doesnt make sense,doesnt make sense!
Like I am feeling now.Doesnt make sense. =/?

Would you drop me a call or note or something?
But it doesnt make sense either.
I think I'm barmy!
Last song heard.The late Selena "I could fall in love"